Voices from the Past

So many of us have negative experiences or words said to or about us that get sticky.  When I say sticky, I mean stuck in our brains, stuck in the ways we think, in what we believe about ourselves, other people, the world … even God.  #stuck #sticky

Why is it those negative things seem to stick so easily?  

There’s a good reason negative experiences are sticky.  God wired our brains for efficiency and to recall danger as a way of keeping us safe from harm.  For example, if I touch something hot and get burned, that experience sticks with me, and I avoid getting burned in the future because of that sticky experience. 

Of course, hot things are not inherently evil or bad, but they can cause us harm.  So, God designed us with a beautifully complicated and intricate control system – the central nervous system – that would help us learn from negative experiences to keep us from harm.  For people who have a lot of negative experiences and trauma, sometimes this system of protection goes into overdrive and tells us there’s a fire (danger) when there’s no smoke.

What He did not intend, I believe, was that we live in a world marred by sin – we were created for life in Eden – the way it was before the Fall.  (I’m so thankful we, as followers of Jesus, are destined for a return to Eden).  But sin entered the world and changed things for this in-between space in the timeline of eternity. The sin of others and our own sin have consequences, and those consequences create negative experiences that stick. 

Over the course of a lifetime, the sticky stuff may remind us of how often we have felt rejected or abandoned or not enough.  The sticky stuff is a voice in our own heads that does not echo the Truth, but the lies of the accuser whose entire purpose is to steal, kill and destroy.  And boy is he good at it.  You can be saved for eternity and live in bondage for all your earthly years because of the lies of the enemy of your soul.  Slavery to Satan’s deception was never God’s plan or purpose for you, dear one.

Here's the good news: we are not without hope here in the in-between!  There is a reason the Bible exhorts us to intentionally place our thoughts on whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, excellent, worthy of praise and to practice doing so (English Standard Version (ESV), Phil 4.8-9).  I wish it were a one-and-done, but it is not – no, we have to practice and create a habit of directing our thoughts to the truth.  Because the negative things are sticky, and it takes some mental elbow grease to get our thoughts, beliefs and emotions out of those well-worn ruts!

God also wired us to be able to direct our thoughts and respond to, rather than be dictated by our feelings.  If you’re like most people, our thoughts and feelings often direct us automatically – anyone?  God designed this beautifully efficient control system the ability to rewire – something called neuroplasticity.  The negative thoughts and beliefs have often become such a well-worn pathway in our brains they are automatic.  And it often “feels” like the thoughts are backed up by facts.  The beauty of neuroplasticity is that with intentionality, God’s truth, and logical challenges, we are able to create new pathways that become automatic over time – pathways that are more balanced and truthful about ourselves, others, the world and God. #neuroplasticity

Often, people live in shame and condemnation because of those harmful sticky things.  I do not intend to minimize how difficult it is to shake those sticky thoughts and feelings.  However, through Jesus we have a power that defeated death and are able to plug into it.  It is paradoxical because it requires completely surrendering to God as well as being fully responsible for my own role in overcoming.  We have responsibility for what we choose to focus on, and we rely upon the power of the Holy Spirit to transform us.

Romans chapter 6 discusses breaking free from the bondage to sin.  Being stuck is not, in itself a sin, but it most certainly is slavery, and it is being enslaved to the lies of the devil.  There is a roadmap for freedom from this slavery though.  Some of the verses that stood out regarding breaking free from bondage follow: 

• “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Jesus Christ” (ESV, Rom. 6.11).

• “Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey?  (New Living Translation (NLT), Rom 6:16a).

• “When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. And what was the result?  You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom (NLT, Rom. 6.20-21).

Following this roadmap requires an intentional shift of thinking and focus.  It requires us to do the part we are responsible for:  choosing. #choose

Choose to consider yourself alive to God in Jesus Christ.  Romans 8:1 (ESV) says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Choose to reject being enslaved to those old sticky thoughts and beliefs – the devil would love for you to believe you cannot escape from your past – whether it is sinful choices you made or sinful choices others made that have affected you.  Hopelessness is a lie.

Choose to obey God and live righteously.  Choose to reject shame and condemnation because that’s one of the ways the devil accuses and enslaves you.  Stop letting the past live in your present. #shame

Surrender yourself completely to the Lordship of Jesus.  He is full of loving kindness and mercy.  Fear and shame are the tools Satan uses to keep you at a distance from God.  There is absolutely nothing that has happened to you or you have done that remains hidden from His view and He loves you with a fierceness you cannot begin to imagine.  He loves you where you are, but precious one, He does not want to leave you there.  He wants to lift you up.  Love doesn’t force its way in though – He waits for your invitation and surrender.

Perfect Love and How We Love

Self-love makes a lot of us feel uncomfortable. It’s not arrogant or egotistical.

It does not mean I value myself over others.

To the contrary, it’s necessary and even commanded … right after loving God with all my heart, soul, and mind.

Obviously, I’m still working this out in real-life practical terms like every other human on the planet. I’m nowhere near achieving the goal and some days I feel like I’ve fallen to the bottom of the ladder again and need to claw my way back up the rungs.

I’m just writing this out as a way of processing this love thing and trying to figure out how it all fits together. I need a roadmap, and maybe you do too. It’s simple, and not so easy.

Matthew 22:37-39 (ESV), “And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Emphasis mine)

1 John 4:8 (ESV) says, “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Love God, love self, love other people. And to love someone, we must know them; know their character and intentions toward us.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV) which describes how God loves. It’s a great starting point for knowing His character and intentions toward us. It’s also a great starting point for evaluating how we love self and others.

* In no way does God ever want you to remain near someone who abuses with words, manipulates, controls, or is violent in words, actions, or emotions. To the contrary, God want you to love yourself enough to move to safety and create distance from someone who is harming you.

In addition, love disciplines when we act in ways that can produce harm to self or others. Hebrews 12:6 (ESV), “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Because who sees a friend headed for trouble and just lets him run headlong into disaster?

In my mind, it all starts with knowing God and His love. It’s kind of cool to read through scripture and believe what it says God is thinking about me … about you. Because it’s foundational for being filled with His love. Letting it sink in not just my head but my heart and my bones.

I want to be so filled with it, that I can’t help but pour it out. Cause y’all probably know whatever you’re full of is what gets poured out on everyone around you whether you like it or not. We can be filled with lots of stuff that is not love – shame, guilt, bitterness, anger. None producing the kind of righteousness God desires (James 1:20).

It blows my mind that before God breathed life into the first human, He knew how you and I would hammer nails into his hands and feet. And He loved us so much He created us anyway and made a way for us to be reconciled with Him for eternity. I’ve never met that kind of love on this side of heaven, and probably never will until Jesus returns.

And that’s how He wants me to see me. Worth the effort because He said so.

And that’s how He wants me to see every other human on the planet. Lord, help me! I’m a long way from that! I know He will be faithful to help me move along in the right direction, teaching and correcting. Goodness, I’m thankful for His patience because I’m a hot mess!

Here are some things Scripture says about how God sees us – they are true for me, true for you, and true for every other human on the planet. (The emphasis in these scriptures is mine.). I encourage you to personalize these by replacing “you” or “us” with your own name.

See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know Him. (1 John 3:1)

God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure. (Ephesians 1:5)

For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:8)

But God is so rich in mercy, and He loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when He raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) (Ephesians 2:4-5)

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. (Romans 5:5)

My child, don’t reject the LORD’s discipline, and don’t be upset when He corrects you. For the LORD corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom He delights. (Proverbs 3:11-12)

I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul. (Psalm 31:7)

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. (Lamentations 3:20-23)

“The Lord your God is in your midst — a warrior bringing victory. He will create calm with his love; he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us in that we should be called God’s children, and that is what we are! Because the world didn’t recognize him, it doesn’t recognize us.” (1 John 3:1)

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:20)

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11

Is it Love or Anti-Love?

Live long enough with other humans, and you’re likely to experience the pain of a relationship that does not feel loving. Relationships stop feeling loving when anti-loving words or actions become habitual. #love #anti-love #fights #relationships

Heck, if we are honest, some of us don’t even know what real love – perfect love – should look, sound, or act like. (I'm sorry if this is you.) And truthfully, we as humans are incapable of delivering perfect love without occasional hiccups and outright failures. It’s true. #perfectlove

Here’s a checklist from the 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (ESV) of what perfect love is:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Let’s take it verse by verse.

Love is patient and kind – love waits its turn to speak, listens well, uses gentle words, believes the best, and gives the benefit of the doubt (in the absence of evidence or facts indicating otherwise).

Love does not envy or boast, nor is it proud – love comes in humble; love seeks to understand the other’s position and feelings. Love is not bragging about own superior contributions; it is not jealous or comparing to anyone else’s relationship. Love, in its humility, sees own failings and seeks forgiveness and makes earnest efforts to change thoughts, words and behaviors that do not align with love’s standards.

Love does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs – Love does not name-call; love honors others. Love seeks to please the other. Love does not threaten divorce. Love does not get all puffed up with pride and try to make itself look better or right in the face of an argument. Love does not get angry easily – sometimes anger is righteous and justified, but it should not be the go-to for love. Love does not pull out every past wrong in the middle of an argument and sling it like dung.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth – love does not physically, emotionally, or verbally berate or abuse. Love seeks the truth and soars when God-instilled identity (Imago Dei) is affirmed; love can be restored when truths are revealed – there can be no real love living amid lies, deceit, and gaslighting.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Someone who loves you will always protect you, always trust you, always hope for you, always preserve your relationship above all else. Likewise, if you love someone, you will be the same toward them. True, perfect love never fails.

This is God’s love that we seek to emulate with imperfect results. And because we humans do love with such frailty, forgiveness and reform are needed to repair relationships when we make relational blunders or when others harm us. We must become self-aware and self-reflective and honest enough to admit when we’ve done wrong and make the repair efforts. We must forgive others when they’ve wronged us. It’s a mandate, not optional. Colossians 3:12-13 (ESV), “Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Forgiveness and love are not the same as maintaining proximity, though. When hurtful words and behaviors are habitual – when the repair efforts are followed by the same cycle of anti-love words, behavior, and cruelty – it may be time to seek help evaluating the relationship with a neutral party or to seek counseling to obtain external help and safety. It is not and has never been God’s desire for one of His beloved to remain in relationship that is emotionally or physically abusive or unsafe. Sometimes these relationships can be repaired, sometimes they cannot. When they cannot, forgiveness and love are best practiced from a distance. #safety #abuse #forgiveness #repair

Whether it’s friends, partner, spouse, kids, or parents, we have all received, experienced, and doled out anti-love. Tragically, some of us have been taught that anti-love is love.

We are each responsible for our own behavior, and are responsible to evaluate ourselves, and take action to grow in emotional, spiritual, and relational health. Galatians 6:4-5 (NLT), “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”