When God Doesn’t Feel Good: The Antidote

Suffering doesn’t take a day off. Chances are, if it is not affecting you today, it is affecting someone you know. And when this is the experience, it can be easy to blame God. #suffering #pain #sorrow #grief #whereisGod

Blaming God for suffering might seem reasonable if we believe He is the one pulling the strings that control all things and people. I do things that God has absolutely not ordained – I sin. Because it would be in complete opposition to His Holiness to cause me to sin, it is impossible that God caused me to behave sinfully. I have personal choice. So it stands to reason that God doesn’t control the course of events like a puppeteer because He does not control me like a puppeteer. It’s not the other extreme either — He is not oblivious and uninvolved or uncaring. Somehow, He manages to steer the course of history from heavenly heights and perspective while allowing us complete freedom to choose. #HeisGod #freewill

Obviously, God allows suffering in the lives of people He dearly loves — the prime example being the extreme suffering and death of His own Son who was later resurrected. (And therein lies our hope.) And only for our benefit, not His own. So, I certainly cannot reasonably expect to be spared suffering.

As people of God, we will suffer. It is a promise. (John 16:33)

I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve thought, “what’s wrong with those stupid Israelites … after all God has brought them through and done for them … how could they forget ….”

Well, I’m just like them. Maybe you are too.

We are forgetful. When we are in the middle of suffering, we often forget the multitude of times we experienced pleasure, blessing, and God’s favor. This present unpleasantness feels like it outweighs all the previous goodness, and even makes it hard to remember there ever was any goodness!

Trusting feelings is tricky. And often misleading. Therefore, God directed His people to erect memorials of His favor, deliverance, and blessings (Genesis 28:10-22, Joshua 4:1-8, 1 Samuel 7:7-12). Those memorials were intended to be reminders of His goodness, faithfulness, and love when things looked hopeless and felt very painful. God knew the good times wouldn’t last forever and wanted His people to have ready reminders. #reminders #remember #faithfulness

We can acknowledge pain, sadness, and grief without forgetting God’s faithfulness. We can be real and honest with God about our suffering. The key is turning toward God and recalling His faithful goodness in the middle of our pain. The Psalms model this beautifully. Psalm 77 and many others example how to be honest about suffering and verbally process it and recall God’s loving kindness. The psalmist does not minimize his hurt; he is honest with God about how hard and unfair it all seems. He also glorifies God by declaring His faithfulness — it is a reminder that this is not where the story ends. #honestemotions #tellGod #cryout

As people of God, it is essential that we too create memorials of God’s goodness and favor that are tangible and visible and retrievable when we encounter seasons of suffering. Here are a few ideas:

• Journaling is a great way to memorialize God’s goodness in our lives — something tangible to look back on and remember when the tides change. #journal

• Gratitude is another way of memorializing how God is presently providing even in times of great suffering. It can be very difficult to engage in these things when it feels like we are drowning in grief that feels all consuming. It is so worth it also. #gratitude

• Pray for God to show up in ways that remind you of His love and kindness toward you and then look for and expect them, record them#freewill and thank Him. #pray

• Worship Him in song – speak or sing the words of praise to Him. Even through tears, I cannot remain in darkness when I declare praise for God in song and word. The words we speak aloud and in our heads matter and direct our hearts to follow. #worship #speaklife

Let’s begin the practice of memorializing the goodness of God so we have that tangible, visible reminders of His incredible and undeserved favor and love for us. #memorials

Can You Hear Me Now?

Remember that commercial from the cellular carrier? It was kind of funny, but they were making point – we all want to be heard and it is frustrating when we do not believe we are being heard. Truly, this does not just apply to cell phones; I think “can you hear me now” applies to a lot of our experiences in relationship.

Don’t we all want to be heard and truly understood? Don’t we all want our voices and opinions to matter to those we care about? It’s really an essential quality of excellent intimate relationships – and I’m not just saying because I think so. I’m saying that because it’s backed by research (Bodenmann, Nussbeck, Bradbury, and Kuhn, 2018). Better yet, God says this is the model for great communication. #communication #listening #activelistening #couples

James 1:19 (NLT) says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Can you hear me now?

It’s one of those verses people who have been in church circles for a while may have heard dozens of times. It’s perhaps so familiar, we rush by it without digesting it and figuring out how to put it into practice. So, will you indulge me with digesting this instruction in a new way? I think what James was saying here, and what couple research supports, is key and maybe a brand-new way of communicating for many of us. I know this was not taught in my house growing up!

So here we go, a few words at a time:

“Understand this” – please take this as truth and contemplate it, examine it, take it in as wisdom.

“My dear brothers and sisters” – who does this bit of wisdom apply to? He says DEAR brothers and sisters – first it is said in kindness and love, right? And it is for everyone.

“You must all” – this is an imperative for everyone, not subjective or optional. It is not a mere suggestion.

“Be quick to listen” – come with an attitude of eagerness to hear and understand what is being spoken. That means setting aside my response, my reaction, my opinion, my defense. Tune in to the words being spoken and the emotion behind them even if it is unspoken. Ask clarifying questions (without attitude and sarcastic tone) if understanding eludes. Seek to really develop a heart-level knowledge of what it is like to stand in the other person’s shoes. This does not mean we necessarily agree with the other, but that we value them enough as children of God to seek to understand them.

“Slow to speak” – take your time making sure they are understood well. Validate them (not necessarily agreeing with their position) by reflecting it back. Refrain again from defending, responding, reacting, or simply saying “I understand” because that usually means we do not understand, and we have not made the heart-level connection with what they are trying to communicate. Try to use the feeling words in that reflection that they are using or expressing.

“And slow to get angry” – When we are successful at understanding another at the heart-level, we will be slow to become angry. Why? Because we have set aside ourselves long enough to truly hear what is happening for someone else and not made it about me, my opinion, or being right.

Research supports this kind of listening, often called active listening, produces the greatest intimacy and feelings of being valued and heard and connected in intimate relationships. It’s effective in any type of relationship, but probably most important in a marital relationship. #intimacy #communication #activelistening

Bodemann, Nussbeck, Bradbury and Kuhn (2018). Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic couple conversations. doi: 10.1037/fam0000421

Pulling Together

I often sit with couples in conflict. It is literally painful to watch and listen to them interact – the antithesis of pulling together. The opposite of one flesh. A recipe for discontent, feeling devalued, and disunity. If that is their goal, they are killin’ it. #marriage

Sadly, it’s in practically every couple that sits in my office that some version of this is happening in their lives and relationships. Often, they even attempt to draw me into taking sides.

It feels to me like being seen as “right” is the prize rather than being blissfully together.

In this hypothetical scenario, one spouse hurt the other with words and actions and tried to win the favor of extended family by telling a version of things that made them look virtuous and the other a scoundrel. Those efforts at gaining favor with extended family were somewhat successful. The one spouse achieved feeling “right” and “good” in the eyes of others. But it came with some damaging consequences when those family members turned against the other spouse with accusations and blame, creating an even larger chasm between the spouses.

The hurt spouse was stonewalling and cold-shouldering the other — returning hurtful actions for being hurt. The one who did the hurting was ashamed and while futilely trying to make amends, was getting rebuffed by the cold shoulder. Please note: both of these spouses wanted to be seen as right and virtuous. Neither was wanting to exercise humility.

As I’ve worked with and watched couples physically turn away from each other and shoot painful looks and words at each other, this verse with an image comes to mind:

2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV), “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

Perhaps the most common interpretation of this passage is a caution about close partnerships between believers and unbelievers – to be very cautious about entering into marriage and other partnerships with people who have vastly different spiritual belief and value systems. While important and utterly valid, I think it is so much deeper in meaning and contains instruction about good functioning relationships in general.

Read that again – it does not say don’t be yoked with unbelievers. It says do not be UNEQUALLY (emphasis mine) yoked with unbelievers.

Picture this:

An ox with a yoke around its neck and hooked up to a plow, the other side of the yoke is insecurely attached to the second animal, or if it is fully attached, the animal is either lying down or pulling in a different direction.

What direction would these animals be moving and if they are making progress, what would it look like?

I imagine in my mind’s eye that one would either be dragging the other along unwillingly — greatly increasing the workload and impeding progress.

Or the one with the yoke securely attached might be walking in circles around the immobile ox – dragging it in circles too. What a ridiculous image!

In either circumstance the load is not lightened at all, but multiplied! And little or no progress is being made on the problem. Have you ever been in or seen a relationship that resembles either of these images? Oh, the frustration for both parties!

Sadly, this is what happens in relationships all too often. Couples drag one another around trying to be right, or get his or her way, or walk around in circles engaging in repetitive relational conflict. In this way they neglect to share burdens and pull in the same direction.

The yoke is intended to make the workload lighter by splitting the weight of the load between two. What might have been unbearable if shouldered by just one, becomes manageable when shouldered by two moving in the same direction.

Moving together in the same direction willingly. That’s the key to being equally yoked. This is what covenant relationship means — same goals, pulling together in the same direction. #equallyYoked

It does not matter if they are moving through joy, grief, sorrow, tragedy, euphoria, trouble, tough parenting, job changes, cross country moves, unemployment, sickness, extended family difficulties, or anything else. They are yoked together and decidedly intent on moving through it together making the work of whatever they are walking through lighter because it is shared. When one gets a little tired, the other pulls a bit harder. When they need a rest, they both decide together to take a break. If they need to circle back, they are united in the decision to turn around. #pullingtogether

Equally yoked means sharing the load, pulling in the same direction, and working with your partner.

It is helpful to examine your own role, words and actions.

Are you the one dragging the other? If so, perhaps effective communication is missing and goals are misaligned.

Are you pulling in opposite directions? Once again effective communication may be missing and learning how to get to a win-win (compromise) could help you pull together in the same direction.

Are you the one being dragged? You might not be comfortable with assertively speaking about what you want, or your spouse might not be hearing what you have to say.

Regardless of the circumstances, it is possible to humbly get to a win-win where both spouses pull in the same direction with effective communication, compromise and conflict resolution skills.

No cajoling or manipulation involved! Just your hearts, and a humble willingness to give up your “right” to be “right”.