Pulling Together

I often sit with couples in conflict. It is literally painful to watch and listen to them interact – the antithesis of pulling together. The opposite of one flesh. A recipe for discontent, feeling devalued, and disunity. If that is their goal, they are killin’ it. #marriage

Sadly, it’s in practically every couple that sits in my office that some version of this is happening in their lives and relationships. Often, they even attempt to draw me into taking sides.

It feels to me like being seen as “right” is the prize rather than being blissfully together.

In this hypothetical scenario, one spouse hurt the other with words and actions and tried to win the favor of extended family by telling a version of things that made them look virtuous and the other a scoundrel. Those efforts at gaining favor with extended family were somewhat successful. The one spouse achieved feeling “right” and “good” in the eyes of others. But it came with some damaging consequences when those family members turned against the other spouse with accusations and blame, creating an even larger chasm between the spouses.

The hurt spouse was stonewalling and cold-shouldering the other — returning hurtful actions for being hurt. The one who did the hurting was ashamed and while futilely trying to make amends, was getting rebuffed by the cold shoulder. Please note: both of these spouses wanted to be seen as right and virtuous. Neither was wanting to exercise humility.

As I’ve worked with and watched couples physically turn away from each other and shoot painful looks and words at each other, this verse with an image comes to mind:

2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV), “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

Perhaps the most common interpretation of this passage is a caution about close partnerships between believers and unbelievers – to be very cautious about entering into marriage and other partnerships with people who have vastly different spiritual belief and value systems. While important and utterly valid, I think it is so much deeper in meaning and contains instruction about good functioning relationships in general.

Read that again – it does not say don’t be yoked with unbelievers. It says do not be UNEQUALLY (emphasis mine) yoked with unbelievers.

Picture this:

An ox with a yoke around its neck and hooked up to a plow, the other side of the yoke is insecurely attached to the second animal, or if it is fully attached, the animal is either lying down or pulling in a different direction.

What direction would these animals be moving and if they are making progress, what would it look like?

I imagine in my mind’s eye that one would either be dragging the other along unwillingly — greatly increasing the workload and impeding progress.

Or the one with the yoke securely attached might be walking in circles around the immobile ox – dragging it in circles too. What a ridiculous image!

In either circumstance the load is not lightened at all, but multiplied! And little or no progress is being made on the problem. Have you ever been in or seen a relationship that resembles either of these images? Oh, the frustration for both parties!

Sadly, this is what happens in relationships all too often. Couples drag one another around trying to be right, or get his or her way, or walk around in circles engaging in repetitive relational conflict. In this way they neglect to share burdens and pull in the same direction.

The yoke is intended to make the workload lighter by splitting the weight of the load between two. What might have been unbearable if shouldered by just one, becomes manageable when shouldered by two moving in the same direction.

Moving together in the same direction willingly. That’s the key to being equally yoked. This is what covenant relationship means — same goals, pulling together in the same direction. #equallyYoked

It does not matter if they are moving through joy, grief, sorrow, tragedy, euphoria, trouble, tough parenting, job changes, cross country moves, unemployment, sickness, extended family difficulties, or anything else. They are yoked together and decidedly intent on moving through it together making the work of whatever they are walking through lighter because it is shared. When one gets a little tired, the other pulls a bit harder. When they need a rest, they both decide together to take a break. If they need to circle back, they are united in the decision to turn around. #pullingtogether

Equally yoked means sharing the load, pulling in the same direction, and working with your partner.

It is helpful to examine your own role, words and actions.

Are you the one dragging the other? If so, perhaps effective communication is missing and goals are misaligned.

Are you pulling in opposite directions? Once again effective communication may be missing and learning how to get to a win-win (compromise) could help you pull together in the same direction.

Are you the one being dragged? You might not be comfortable with assertively speaking about what you want, or your spouse might not be hearing what you have to say.

Regardless of the circumstances, it is possible to humbly get to a win-win where both spouses pull in the same direction with effective communication, compromise and conflict resolution skills.

No cajoling or manipulation involved! Just your hearts, and a humble willingness to give up your “right” to be “right”.

Overcoming Anxiety

Anxious thoughts are nothing new. In fact, the Bible is chock-full of historical accounts of people dealing (or not) with their anxieties and fears. And as it turns out, one of the most practical step-by-step instructive writings in the Bible about overcoming anxiety comes from the book of Philippians. #Philippians

Modern therapy methods that are evidence-based suggest a cognitive behavioral approach. Guess what. That’s not really new either because Philippians draws straight from a guard your thoughts approach and encourages retraining thinking (mind). But Philippians ups the ante by drawing on God and prayer as well. Here’s how it goes: #CBT #guardyourheartandmind

Philippians 4:6-9 (NLT), “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me – everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”

That’s a lot, so here’s the step-by-step when you’re feeling anxious:

1. Pray and ask God for what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Deep breath in, exhale big and slow. #pray

2. We are promised His peace when we do this part and doing this helps to guard both heart and mind. Because that’s where anxiety attacks – your heart pounds, chest constricts, and thoughts race. So, guarding your heart and mind is huge – and it’s an outcome of prayer! #peace

3. Train your thoughts on things that are true (rather than irrational), pure, beautiful to think about, things that are admirable and sought after, and being successful. Stay in the present. #trainyourthoughts

4. Practice. It is not a one-and-done. Friends, we have learned to be anxious by allowing anxious thoughts to rule. It’s a battle. We have never become excellent at anything without practice and consistency. #practice

This is both biblically based and backed by science – but, hey it’s God’s truth, so no surprise there. For some folks, having a good therapist to help stay accountable is necessary. For others, both therapy and medications to help break the cycle are the recipe for success.

Don’t give up! There is hope and healing and it can be yours with practice.

Grumble, Grumble Leadership

For some, the past several months may have felt like wading slow-motion through deep water against the current. A struggle! And then again, from a different perspective, the time since we first heard the word COVID-19 seems impossibly short. #COVID #struggle #time

One thing’s for certain, there’s been no shortage of opinions and complaints about how the whole matter has been handled. Breathe a sigh of relief -- I’m not here to offer any more of that. #complaining #grumbling

I’m here to draw some analogies and ask some questions.

Numbers 11:4-6 (NLT), “Then the foreign rabble who were travelling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt. And the people of Israel also began to complain. ‘Oh, for some meat!’ they exclaimed. ‘We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is this manna!’”

I'm not saying that wanting the meat was bad. Meat is good! But it strikes me as odd how distorted the peoples' memories of their Egyptian experience had been become. How quickly they had forgotten about the hardships and poor treatment they had endured there. They’d forgotten all about the real cost of their meat and melons – it was far from "free"! Their cost came in the form of oppression, slavery, hard labor, and slaughtered children. Suddenly they were uber-focused on the things they didn’t have. Hmm.

All this while God’s presence is literally visible to them -- a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. And, oh by the way, God was providing fresh bread from heaven (manna) daily -- except on the Sabbath, but that's another story. That's kind of like the Krispy Kreme "hot now" sign being on 24/7. The point is they seemed to be voicing contempt toward the bread God was miraculously providing daily!

Amid this discontent, Moses had a little outburst when the people began whining about wanting meat. He demanded of God, how can you be so cruel to me, making me carry the burden of these people all by myself. And he demanded God let him know how he was to provide meat for all these people – over 600,000 military-aged men plus women and children and Levites. Likely between a million to a couple of million people! (Numbers 13:10-15 (NLT)).

I don’t know about you all, but I’m feeling like Moses was lucky his little outburst didn’t earn him air-fried vulture-bait status in the wilderness. But it seems like God was registering with his frustration, and in agreement, instructed Moses on how to divide the burden of caring for these fickle people.

I also wonder why God didn’t correct Moses’ perception that he was “doing this on his own”; leading this flock of wayward complainers was never Moses on his own. God had been instructing with great specificity and finite detail about how things should be done. No. Moses was never doing this by himself. God gave Moses what he asked for rather than correcting his distorted perception. Hmm.

Are we perceiving that we are carrying the burdens of life alone? Do we have community to help carry the burdens? Are we trusting God with what we cannot bear? #alone #burdens

Are we pining for the “good old days” before COVID and missing the God’s thundering voice calling us to attention and providing direction? #goodolddays #busyness #margins

Are we voicing contempt regarding the blessings we have? About the way God is moving? #contempt #gratitude

Have we convinced ourselves that we are doing life under our own power? Maybe we're trying that -- is it really a curiosity that we’re frustrated and exhausted? #whereisthepower #Godspower #frustrated

I wonder if that’s one of the reasons God chose to allow the world to come to a halt. Did He allow this so we would have the bandwidth to stop and notice He’s still here – He’s ever-present? #Heisnear

Yes, things have changed. And change feels uncomfortable. #unconfortable #change

And discomfort is where God’s presence is most discernible (if we’re looking for it). It is often the tool He uses to draw us near.

Will we complain? Or will we refocus our eyes, our spirits on Him?

He is near. He is leading.