Doing Hard Things

I didn’t want to make the call. I anticipated the worst possible response. The relationship had been filled with past hurts, feelings of abandonment and rejection. There had been a chasm of cautious distance for years. Although the words “I love you” had been spoken, they did not feel true in light of the behavior. I played a part in all that hurt, no doubt.

Dread filled my heart and mind.

Yet, I felt God urging me to be bold and seek and offer forgiveness. To extend the opportunity for a different way forward.

I picked up the phone to dial the number and felt my chest constrict and my breathing get short and shallow. My throat closed up a bit. Anxiety. Crippling fear – another rejection loomed. How could I speak these words to someone who held such authority in my life? I could be crushed. Again. Deep breath. Slow, heavy exhale.

“What is the worst that could happen”, I thought? It certainly would be tough for it to be worse than it is right now, but harsh words could be spoken. I might not get what I hoped for.

“What is the best that could happen?” Well, there could be the thing I had always longed for: a genuine acceptance of responsibility and sorrow for the other party’s part in our hurtful past. There could even be – dare I imagine it – an expression of remorse and seeking forgiveness from the other party.

I dialed. I held my breath as the phone rang.

After many months of no communication, I spoke what God was impressing on my heart. I apologized for my actions, attitudes and behaviors that contributed to years of broken relationship and asked for forgiveness. I extended unsought forgiveness to the other party for the things I perceived they had done to hurt me without enumerating them.

It did not go as I had hoped.

There was a scathing endorsement of how horrible I had been, there was a lack of remorse – forget the notion of regret or admission of wrongdoing on their part. There was no granting of forgiveness. Pretty much my worst-case scenario.

I paused, I silently prayed for God’s strength and Spirit to guard my heart and tongue as I concluded the conversation by saying: “I forgive you. I would like to go forward with a fresh, clean slate and not look back. I am going to hang up now because I do not have anything else to say. I hope you can accept this.”

That conversation hurt deeply. Surprisingly, though, I did not feel as crushed as I anticipated with my worst-case scenario. I think examining the potential positive and negative outcomes ahead of time helped guard my heart and mind. Despite the hurt, I was determined to not follow my heart and instead to follow God. God also impressed upon me that reconciliation takes two. The following week, I called again. I did not bring up the past but checked in on them and the conversation was civil. A breakthrough, considering.

There were no overnight miracles. Over time though, God did restore that relationship. It has never been stress-free. It has always been hard work. There are still times we hurt each other. And it is all worth it.

The most feared phone call of my life did not kill me. Doing the hard thing allowed me to reap a harvest of improved relationship with someone important to me. Had I not been obedient, that person may have died, and I may have lived with broken-hearted hurt and regret, never experiencing that particular miracle of reconciliation. It is not a perfect relationship – is that even a real thing? But it is good enough.

When we do the hard things, God provides the harvest. The harvest does not always look or feel the way we expect. It is, however, always good.

Psalms 126:5-6 (NLT), “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They may weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Living Satisfied

For so many of us, food has become more than nourishment for our bodies. I’m preaching to myself here, people! Sometimes it is the feel-better go-to when we are lonely, depressed, disappointed, angry, tired, worried, anxious, feeling forgotten … you fill in the blank. It might be a different feeling for you. And it might be a different substance for you – something besides food. #food #substance #feelings

It is important to recognize if food, or something else, has been transformed from a healthy part of life to an unhealthy coping mechanism that deprives of real peace. (Illicit substances are rarely, if ever healthy under any circumstances, but that’s another topic for another day.) #coping

Because the truth is, if we are not eating to fuel our bodies, we are using food (or whatever thing you’ve chosen) as a cheap substitute for the substance -- the nourishment -- we really require.

Our cravings lie though. They tell us comfort will be found in food, gadgets, pills, alcohol, relationships, and other things that leave us wanting and feeling broken. #cravings

That’s right our cravings lie. Think about it. Did that extra helping of pie create lasting peace for you? Did that supersized order of fries make you feel less alone? Did that diet pill ease your disappointment? Did that drink (or several) change your feelings of loneliness and instantly make you feel loved and accepted? Did it last, or did you wake up the next day still feeling the same empty feelings and cravings?

My guess is, if we stop letting our cravings lie to us, the answer to all but the last question is no. After the initial satiated feeling, guilt or remorse kicked in. We step on the scale in the morning and notice it has ticked up a couple of notches – and that’s not the goal we’ve been aiming for. Agh … failure. Again. We realize that the false hope of the diet pill or alcohol faded as quickly as the effects. And sometimes those placebos come with unpleasant after-effects.

There’s only one way to achieve real healing. Only one thing that will dash despair every single time without a guilt or remorse hangover. #healing #nohangover

John 4:32 (NLT), “But Jesus replied, ‘I have a kind of food you know nothing about.’”

And He was not talking about cake. If you’re confused, you are not alone – His closest followers were as well – they thought he was talking about not being hungry for food.

He was not implying he didn’t need to eat food. The next few verses (read them for yourselves) reveal what He meant. It is deeply soul satiating to be connected to the Father; to know and do His will. To sit in His presence and bask in His endless, perfect love. To live out the Purpose He designed specifically for you. #perfectlove #satisfying

Verse 34 in the New Living Translation says (Jesus speaking) “My nourishment” comes from doing what God desires. According to a quick google search, nourishment, in the Oxford dictionary, is defined as “food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition”. #nourishment #health #growth

So, growth, health and good condition come from doing what God desires.

The real antidote to loneliness, depression, disappointment, anger, weariness, worry, anxiety, and feeling forgotten is a deep, abiding knowledge of who God is, knowing who He says you are. The real antidote comes from doing what God desires and living in relationship with Him -- and seeking that connection to Him when those negative human cravings, emotions, and cognitions try to lie to us with false hope. Not perfectly, but purposefully.

Finding Elusive Joy

Not everyone is excited and happy this time of year. Financial burdens, relational strains, alienation, illnesses, or deaths (recent or past) – each of these and many other circumstances can leave us feeling quite down and forgotten. #holidays #findingjoy

Romans 12:12 (NIV), “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT), “16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

Sometimes, reading these passages feel like platitudes – like, here, plaster this on your heart, mind and tongue and it will all be better. But that is not the intention. This is not a platitude, a band aid, or a quick fix. It is a choice.

And be sure of this: When the Bible repeats a theme over and over again, it is not because they are easily taken to heart and put into practice. It is hard. The instruction bears repeating because our feelings want to win and tell us they are in control.

Especially when we are edgy, irritable, feeling abandoned, rejected and alone in the world. Those hard feelings of discomfort and hurt bubble up from our most vulnerable places. And if we are honest, not only do they bubble up, but they also spew on anything or anyone within earshot.

So how do we find joy, hope, be thankful and prayerful? And why is it helpful?

First, joy is very different than happiness. Happiness is circumstantial. It would be ridiculous to tell someone to be happy about feeling hurt or abandoned. Joyfulness is based on an eternal versus a circumstantial perspective. Ever notice when we observe the same object or event from different angles, we would describe it differently? Maybe very differently? That is the difference between joy and happiness – the angle we look at things from or where we place our focus. #joyvshappiness #changeperspective

Second, we remain stuck in unhappiness often because we deny reality of a circumstance or seek to have some sense of control over the circumstance that is unrealistic. Truly, there is very little I (or you) control in life except how we respond to it. Turning to prayer voices our needs, hopes and desires and relinquishes that mirage of control. Prayer places our need in the hands The One who has the power to change things. God can, as Creator of all things, change the course of events yet to unfold, create something out of nothing, or create nothing out of something! He can also provide comfort, peace and joy in those cases when He chooses not to change our circumstances. And because He is good, we can rest assured, the circumstance is intended to refine our characters. #control #prayer

Third, we are to be thankful in all circumstances. Note it does not insist we be thankful for all circumstances. That is an important distinction. God knows on this side of heaven we will encounter troubles – it is guaranteed. He also knows that turning our thoughts to thanksgiving rather than dwelling, ruminating on, and basking in self-pity is unlikely (think NEVER) going to produce a mindset and heart condition that allows Him to heal us. Determining to find points of gratitude and thanksgiving in spite of negative circumstances makes space in our hearts, minds and souls for God to continue the good work He began in us. #thankful #grateful

Is it natural to move in these directions and choose these things when life feels bad? Nope. But we can choose to use the minds we were given to place out thoughts and attentions where God directs and experience joy. #choosejoy